Two things happened this weekend. My 7-year-old daughter hopped on her scooter to try and have a playdate with some neighbors down the street. Coming back in tears she said her friend was already playing with another neighbor and she was told she couldn’t play today, maybe tomorrow. To be fair I don’t know exactly what the situation was. I felt terrible that I suggested she go knock on their door only to be rejected. I should have texted the parents beforehand. Through the anger and tears, I reminded her that she has other friends who live just a few blocks away that would love to play with her. In a few minutes, a white SUV pulled up at our house and out bounced one of her friends.
My nine-year-old son had a friend come over as well. He had complained earlier to me that his friend always got to make all of the choices about what they were going to play. My son is pretty easygoing - having a younger and older sister he is a real peacemaker. Regardless, he was frustrated that his buddy always dictated what they would play. I explained that he could make choices as well. He could tell his friend that he was going to do (whatever activity or game he wanted to do) and invite him to join him and then go do it with or without him. I told my son, “you watch, in a few minutes your buddy will join you.” I listened at the door while my son explained that he wanted to go outside and shoot baskets. The friend said no and my son said, “Ok well, you are welcome to join me but I’m going to be out there for probably 30 minutes.’’ It wasn’t more than 5 seconds and his friend was following him down the stairs.
These two experiences reminded me that our kids have been isolated for the past two years. There haven’t been many playdates happening at our house. Society has had a scarcity mindset from everything from flour to toilet paper. For our kids, the insecurity is playing out in their friendships. Making and keeping friends has always been hard, but over the past few years our kids have become increasingly de-socialized. They’ve had to keep their faces covered, be “socially distant” from others while they “learn at a distance”. They have spent more time with screens than with friends. We have had to fundamentally change the natural way that they interact with others and although some of these measures have kept them safer from getting the coronavirus it has has come at a heavy cost to some of their natural social development . They have lost some of those critical social skills of negotiation, compromise, inclusion empathy, and even kindness. Now more than ever our kids need us to lean in and help them navigate their friendships.
Our world feels very broken right now. It’s our children who will be putting it back together. Let’s make sure we are giving them the tools and guidance to grow into the people we know they are meant to be and that our world desperately needs.
- Fathergood Coaching